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Rob's Grocery Talk with Rob
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May 20 2008 Rob has a new girlfriend Kelly Ripa Said Magic Marker! And I feel vindicated! Righteous even! O.K. a little back story may be in order. About three years ago I was working at Caribou Coffee in Minnetonka alongside some of our country’s brightest, richest, and most beautiful youth. One day I needed to make a sign for a display of sale items in the lobby, but I couldn’t find the correct writing implement. After digging through all the drawers behind the counter, I said out loud “anybody seen the Magic Marker?” “The what?” “The Magic Marker!” Turns out none of them had heard of a “Magic Marker”. Oh, they knew what a marker was, but apparently I was some kind of weirdo for calling it magic. I felt like an outcast; an old man from a different world with different words for things. The cool kids were now onto me and I hung my un-hip head in un-hip shame. Later that day at my other job, I decided to conduct an informal poll amongst my older coworkers. I would walk up to them, show them a marker and ask “what do you call this?” To my utter dismay, only one of them called it a Magic Marker. In fact, I was roundly scoffed…SCOFFED! As in “Hey everyone, Rob thinks markers are magic! Oooooo…mmmagic!” Well, let me tell you something, smarty pants people. Today I was watching Live With Regis And Kelly and they were talking to that one guy who played Josh on The West Wing and Josh was talking about seeing Regis sound asleep on an airplane once and Kelly said something about drawing a mustache on Regis using a Magic Marker. Got that? The very beautiful, blonde, extremely funny and very smart Kelly Ripa calls it a Magic Marker! Whaddya think of me now? Huh? Huh? Boy, things are heating up in the grocery department. Stuff is just a-flyin’ off the shelves! Due to an increase in demand for Vermont Sausage, I ordered some more and also some of their pepperoni. You’ll find both items on the Super Deluxe New Stuff Table. Thanks to all of you who have been slipping me little notes telling me what to order for you. That makes my job so much easier. Next week, I’ll let you know about new and exiting products coming to Elmer's Store! Just as soon as I order them. And now, I would like to introduce you to my new girlfriend Kelly Ripa! |
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Feb 20 2008 Rob's Grocery Talk with Rob Man, I dropped out of the race too soon! I completely forgot about the Hawaii Caucus, darn it. If I’d been smarter, I would have been campaigning there for the last, oh, eight weeks. Instead, I chose to stay here in good old Icefield and order groceries. I do it for you, friends, because I love you and want you to eat. By the way, have you heard about these mysterious “Super Delegates”? The ones that can, like, Totally Decide Everything No Matter What You Think? Where the heck did they come from? Super America? I could have gone to Hawaii and picked up not just a Super Delegate, but a Super Big Kahuna Delegate! |
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Yesterday I saw some revolting undercover video. I’m not going to get into details, but let’s just say it doesn’t necessarily cast a positive light on certain aspects of the beef industry. Instead, I’m just going to close my eyes and think of our bovine friends happily grazing away on the lush hillsides of Steady Lane Farm. Oh, look! One of them just ate a daisy! That is SO cute! Okay, they end up as meat, too. But at least they do it right. And what meat it is! Grown locally, sold right here at Elmer's Store. Check out our selection in the freezer aisle. Steady Lane Beef. It’s the beef you won’t have a beef with! The grocery order has arrived and I will start thinking about pricing them and putting them on the shelves real soon, I promise. This means that some of you special folks can come and pick up your special orders and I will give you a special price and we’ll all feel special. Also, be sure to check out our new “discount table” where we take stuff that might be heart shaped and SLASH the price so you can be smart and give it to someone almost a year from now. Just don’t hide the chocolates under your car seat because we will have summer eventually and the recipient of your cheap, one year old, melted chocolates will not appreciate your lame “you melt my heart” metaphors. Not like I’ve ever done that sort of thing. Well, there is so much more I want to talk about but Nan just called and demanded I send her whatever I’ve written immediately. So until next week, Aloha! |
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Feb 5 2008 Grocery Talk with Rob Now, I know that I’m here to talk about groceries, and I will. But first I need to vent a little about a certain television commercial by a company well known for its bathroom fixtures. You see, this is a commercial so completely and astonishingly stupid that I think it is actually traumatizing me. Maybe you’ve seen it: A guy steps onto the sidewalk in front of his house and catches the eye of a cute female plumber who is making a service call next door. Sensing an opportunity, the guy races back to his house and into the bathroom so he can clog up the toilet and thus have an affair with the cute plumber. Except the toilet won’t cooperate with this moron. Towels get flushed. Shampoo bottles get flushed. A tray of quarters get flushed. A potted plant. Everything gets flushed by this amazing toilet! Then they show a shot of his face and he’s so desperate to have an affair with the plumber he looks like he’s going to cry. In a last ditch effort he grabs a huge bag of dog food and starts pouring it in. This is when his WIFE appears in the doorway to give him that “what the hell are you doing?” look. That’s how it ends. Did I mention she’s better looking than the plumber? There are just too many levels of stupid in this commercial and if I ever see it again I might curl up in a fetal position and kind of rock back and forth and weep softly. Groceries A cow, a lamb, and a pig walk into Elmer's Store. That’s no joke, folks. We have achieved a local meat trifecta! First it was beef from Steady Lane Farms. Then it was lamb from Springhill Acres. And now it’s pork from Manda Farm of Plainfield (I hope that town gets a fancy field someday). We got hot Italian sausage, pork chops and bacon. Wow! Local bacon! I’m not eating bacon anymore so will you let me know how delicious it is? Okay, just one little piece. Mmmm. |
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